On the 8th February 2018 I spent £35 on my blog domain. I have been writing here, for you and I, ever since.
To say I’ve learnt a lot would be an understatement. Looking back at my first pieces, drenched in grammatical errors (sometimes still are) with photography to accompany my writing which makes me want to recoil under the duvet, but I find it sweet that I was so proud of what was produced at the time.
Writing and expressing the many thoughts inside of my head felt quite unattainable at the beginning when I decided I wanted to be a writer. Lacking in A-levels, degrees and not knowing how to actually structure, proof read or in fact, write, made me fear putting my work out into the ether. At twenty-three I hadn’t written an essay or studied English for six years and a lot of what I had learnt fell from my brain like acorns from oak trees as I entered new seasons of my life and left others behind.
Someone offered to teach me English for the majority of my life and I paid no attention. Education, they say, is wasted on the young. I’m not sure if that’s entirely true but it was definitely wasted on me. I should like to go back and tell Mrs. Hall that I now understand. Apologise and let her know I’ve read all of the books we were told to read that I never did and that I appreciate them now, some even changed my life. Mrs. Hall, if you’re reading this and you are not too busy with your doting students, I would love some feedback, possibly a certificate for my hard work.
Constantly I worry that my writing is laughable. That my full stops should be commas. I know as much about semi colons as I know about geography and my linking sentences probably feel as disjointed as I look on a dance floor. My inner critic climbs to the surface and I have to try hard to remind myself there may not be a good and shit piece of work. Not to take myself too seriously and embrace the feeling of creating and pushing publish. I have learnt so much along the way from my yellow saturated photography and trying to write about things just because I thought you wanted to read them, fashion for example, when I hate clothes shopping and only like to wear beige roll necks. I know I will learn more. I may look back in several years’ time and feel the same awkward sweetness towards myself as I do now, looking back at Kirstie from 2018.
Starting something new is scary. There are some spectacular humans out there that only feel excitement or get that tummy hunger that this is what they were meant to do but I didn’t feel like that when I started this blog. I felt like an imposter, that I needed to go back to school and that I would be ridiculed. As it turns out, no one cared. I mean that in a kind way. Of course, people care about you, but no one cares. You are free to do as you choose and when you first start out more often than not, you’ll receive praise and messages from people, explaining there is something in this world that they’d like to do too but have never found the courage.
What people may have said about my writing or photography behind closed doors does not bother me. I will probably never know and I can’t let something that may well be fiction stop me from doing what brings me joy.
If I hadn’t had paid £35 a wrote my ‘Hi, I’m Kirstie’ first ever blog post I wonder where all these words would be living now. More than likely in dark corners of my mind, foot tapping, patiently waiting to be exhaled into life and onto paper.
Looking back through my writing I couldn’t be prouder of my spelling mistakes and appalling photography because it shows me at my most vulnerable. Vulnerability is key to going after what you want in this world. I am so glad I was brave enough to be vulnerable two years ago.
For me, my blog has been a light in times of incredible darkness and has helped me understand and process new feelings and emotions. Even old ones that rear their serpentine heads from time to time. I’ve never loved myself more, been as confident in my ability or as sure that I am deserving of good things in life. All because I tried.
You may find yourself sitting at home frustrated like I was a few years ago. The thought of starting your own business, going back to school or changing your career path may bring feelings of overwhelm and the fear may cement you where you stand, ensuring you go no further.
Starting today no matter how small of a step will be something you will thank yourself for. If it doesn’t work out you would have learnt something. If your painting is shit, you would have learnt something, if you cake tasted like feet, you would have learnt something and next time it will be better.
If you want to live a life you love it means stepping out from behind the shadows and standing naked in the sunshine from time to time.
Lots of love,