Hello all and happy Sunday. I hope you’re bronzed; you’ve been liberally applying hand cream to counteract the never-ending washing cycle and you’re looking forward to meeting up with a cheeky group of six humans in the coming weeks.
A while ago I had pondered the idea of writing ‘ask me anything’ pieces on my blog. Not to blow my own trumpet but each month I receive quite a large number of messages asking for my advice on general life and relationships.
Now you should know, I appreciate this more than anything. Perhaps I have ended up like a friend to some of you like I wished I would. Maybe I can do some good with my words after all.
Another reason I’m so grateful that you confide in me is because I’m so honest about my thoughts, feelings and faults and you still feel like I’m your kind of human. Even after you finding out I let fruit peel go off in my handbag and that I got on the wrong train and pulled the emergency stop button you haven’t abandoned me.
Each time I publish something I feel vulnerable and exposed and each time you read it, support me and remind me I’m not alone.
Never have I claimed to be a perfect human, have a perfect life or to know all the answers because quite frankly I don’t. A lot of the time I feel like I know nothing and I’m glad about that because if I thought I knew best I would never listen so miss the chance to learn anything knew.
Please remember I’m not qualified in anything other than drinking wine. Nor am I able to give you professional advice (I haven’t even got an A-Level) but what I can do is speak from experience or tell you my thoughts on the matter which may help you see something from a different perspective or feel a tiny bit better about the thoughts in your own head.
Here goes nothing…
My husband and I have been married for a year and our sex life is not what it was and has become pretty boring. Have you got any advice on what I can do to start the fire again?
I don’t know about you but when I was younger and playing at someones house I would rather die of dehydration than ask for a squash. You know when you’re so thirsty but this particular family doesn’t seem to eat or drink anything. You suffer in silence because you’re too afraid to ask for what you want.
This probably stemmed from early on in our childhoods and being told to be quiet, polite and to stop asking for things. We don’t want to be a nuisance, come across rude or put ourselves out there so we would rather keep quiet than ask for something we really desire, even if it is as small as a drink.
I’m pretty sure our parents didn’t mean that you couldn’t ask for liquid. But if you’ve asked for something else and gotten a bad or angry response it may mean you were less inclined to ask adults anything at all because you didn’t want to step out of line, be told off or worse, embarrassed and rejected.
I don’t think we’ve necessarily shifted this notion and it’s carried on into our adult lives, it’s just the things we now ask for have evolved. I no longer want a Tamagotchi; I want a promotion. I don’t want to go out and play curby, I want amazing sex.
How many of us can say we’ve turned to our partners and been completely honest about what we want? Especially on a subject like sex which is entangled in so much emotion and embarrassment.
The reason, I think, we struggle tell our partners the things they can do to us that will have us feeling all the feelings is because we’re ashamed. Our sexual fantasies are a world away from who we are when we’re making dinner in the evening or visiting our grandma.
How do you tell a loved one who thinks you’re adorable that you want to be tied up, pretend to be servicing their boiler or have sex in risky places? What if they don’t want to do the same? What if they can’t look you in the eye again or leave you for being a weirdo because that’s obviously what you are.
Trust me, you’re not.
However, the thought of telling the person you’ve decided to spend the rest of your life with how you actually feel is too scary, so you don’t. Your sex life isn’t totally bad but it’s not making you sing like Susan Boyle. You accept that’s it’s fine and it usually is for a while. After all, sex isn’t everything. There is so much more to a relationship and a marriage however the physical act of sex does encompass a lot of them. Trust, vulnerability, desire and communication to name a few.
We expect our loved one to be a mind reader and that my friend, is impossible.
The first step in taking control of our sex lives is to talk about them. I know that sounds shit because we’re human and no, we don’t want to talk about it. Not to mention the fact I’m British so I definitely don’t want to talk about my feelings but that’s the place where all problems can be resolved, compromises made and relationships saved.
You chose to spend the rest of your life with this person so I’m pretty sure they love you. Physically tell this person you want to spice your sex life up. You don’t have to tell them how bloody awful it’s been for the last six months and that you thought about having sex with the post man last time he seductively slotted a letter through the door. Just how you hope to grow together and experience new pleasures.
Be brave and put yourself out there. Vulnerability is sexy and without it we can’t ask for what we want because we’re too scared of rejection. If we can’t tell the people that we love our sexual fantasies or what we want from our sex life then who can we tell? If we don’t say it, we’ll never get it and that’s a scary thought. There’s a very high chance that your partner has got desires, an opinion on the subject and also wants to spice up your sex life together but doesn’t know how to approach it. You’ll more than likely be met with enthusiasm and excitement for all of the fun you’re going to be having in the near future.
Here a few things I think could help – after you’ve had that all-important conversation of course…
Get out of your own head and into your body
Our brains are loud. They talk a lot and have opinions on just about everything. For example, “I wonder if while I’m on top I look like I do when I accidentally turn my camera on the wrong way”, “I wish I’d shaved” and “for fucks sake I just got out of the shower”.
These thoughts can be so loud sometimes they mute the pleasure we should be seeking. When you really pay attention to someone loving you every touch can feel extraordinary. We just have to try and concentrate on the little things while we’re participating. Sometimes we don’t need to change much about the physical act of sex to make it better, we just have to make sure we are fully present and paying attention to all of our senses.
Every time a weird thought comes crashing through your brain to distract you from the job at hand just try and let pass. Concentrate on your breath and try and think about what they’re doing, where their hand is placed and how hot you look, because you do.
Come on, we’ve all thought about housework during sex at least once….
It’s not often we actually take the time to appreciate one and other. To really stand there and stare and how wonderful the human body is and how lucky we are to get to participate in naked athletics with this person.
Put some candles on (everyone looks better by candle light. Fact.) and give each other a massage. There’s nothing sexier in my opinion, it doesn’t involve an awkward trip to a sex shop and you can get to know each other again, inside and out.
Don’t forget it’s normal for your sex life to feel less exciting the longer you’re together. Having sex with someone at the start of the relationship is so exciting because it’s new and unknown territory. It’s only natural the longer were together for things to feel a little less colourful.
When you’ve been with someone a long time, you’re rewarded with other things you didn’t have at the start of the relationship. This could be children, stability, security, a best friend, a home and love to name a few. Yes, the sex can feel less exciting but your time together has given you a lot of other wonderful things.
The good thing is it doesn’t have to stay this way and the moment you decided to have an awkward conversation with your partner it could help you on your way to even better sex than you had at the start.
Marriage is hard and so are relationships. They require work and effort from both parties but if you remain open and honest about what you really want, I do believe a great sex life can be created together.
It’s important to remember there’s no end goal when it comes to your sex life. I mean there’s a goal we’d all love to achieve each time, but you don’t reach a point where sex is amazing and it stays there forever. It’s a bit like happiness or in fact, anything else in life. You get the feeling but you have to work to keep it. We don’t get happy once and stay there for the entirety of our lives and it’s the same with being intimate with your partner.
Remember that sex is only one part of your relationship and you and your loved one bring so many other amazing things to the table. Sex is supposed to be fun, that’s why they gave us the orgasm.
Lots of love,