Welcome to my second AMA! My first proved to be a hit and is now the most viewed post on my blog which is amazing. Thank you for all of the questions you’ve sent in, I promise I will work through them one by one.
Now, I don’t know about you but I currently look like a walking bottle of wine. I did get a tan on Thursday, so at least this bottle of wine has a nice glow, but still, lockdown has not been a friend to my liver but fixing that will have be a task for another day.
This fine Sundays AMA is about finding the courage to leave your partner so if you’re feeling like things may have run their course off the edge of a cliff or your relationship isn’t serving you the way it should anymore, read on.
Please remember I’m not qualified in anything other than eating pasta. Nor am I able to give you professional advice (I haven’t even got an A-Level) but what I can do is speak from experience or tell you my thoughts on the matter which may help you see something from a different perspective or feel a tiny bit better about the thoughts in your own head.
“My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years and I feel like I’m trapped. I don’t think I want to be with him anymore but I can’t seem to bring myself to break up with him. I just think we want different things and this is not what I want anymore”
As humans we evolve all of the time. One day we could just go off of our favourite meal, dye our hair blue, quit our unfulfilling job or decided we want to be single.
The first thing I would say is to make sure you’re sure. Once the sentence “I don’t want this anymore” floats from your mouth and into the atmosphere, no amount of inhaling will draw it back in. Speaking from personal experience if someone tells you they don’t want to be with you and then changes their mind, it is not a compliment nor does it feel like one. I honestly believe that is something few relationships survive.
If you’ve decided that you don’t want to leave your partner then collect your two hundred pounds when you pass go and have a discussion with them about how you both could be more fulfilled in your relationship. If the fact they don’t care when you walk home alone in the dark, that they only talk about themselves and their addiction to buying Pokemon collectors items has gotten too much to handle, let’s discuss in a little more detail.
Personally, I have stayed in unhappy, dysfunctional relationships longer than I care to admit and I have a lot of friends and family who have done the same. But why is it that we stay when we really just want to leg it out of the back door in the middle of the night, clothed or not?
Each relationship is different. We may stay because of the promises we have made, the hope our partner will change, that being with them is a habit, we’re trying to not be a dick, for the dick (or vagina), for the company, for the children, feeling lost or being scared of our partner. Most of the time, I believe we stay because the fear of the unknown overshadows the pain of our current situation.
Ask yourself why you haven’t yet left. If the answer to that question is that you don’t want to have an awkward fifteen minute conversation that could save you from being unhappy for the next fifteen years of your life then I know which I would choose. Most of the reasons to not leave someone when you are utterly miserable are not good reasons to stay.
You don’t need a specific reason to not be with someone. It is possible you could have the kindest partner in the world but somewhere along the way it’s not working for you or you may just decide you’d like to be single. A reason is not a requirement when leaving someone, but honesty is.
We may put off breaking up with someone because we don’t want to hurt them, but actually, the kindest thing we can do is to tell them in a calm and direct manor and then stop sending them messages asking if they’re okay just because it makes us feel better, it will not help them.
Allowing someone to waste a portion of their life thinking that you want them is not okay and the chances are they wouldn’t want to be with you either if they knew the feeling wasn’t mutual. Your honesty is honestly the kindest thing you can do.
I’m hoping that you’ll now know that you have to do it. Have the sad, awkward talk but you have to do it. Once you have don’t fear being single.
We fear being single after a relationship because of the social pressure to be in one. Tinder, bumble, is POF still a thing? Everything is trying to match you up with someone as if this world is still not designed for single humans.
More than likely you’ve had more than one breakup and if you’re reading this you survived it and you’ll survive another. Lots of people are much happier living alone and being single and that’s perfect if it’s right for them.
Following an emotional breakup it can feel like the best thing to do is to get back out there and into the arms, or bed, of someone else but remember, no one apart from you is in charge of your happiness.
If you’re still feeling like you need a bit of advice here a few things that may help you like they have me.
This book is beautiful. As is her “the unexpected joy of being sober” which has made me sober curious… we will see how that goes…
Teaching you everything that wasn’t on the school curriculum but really should have been.
Make sure to stay kind to yourself during a break up, even if it was you that did the final breaking. It takes an incredibly brave being to do right thing instead of the easy thing. Make sure there is tea in the cupboard, chocolate in the fridge and the two main men are in the freezer.
Lots of love
If you have a question or problem you would like me to discuss please email firstname.lastname@example.org and put AMA in the subject box. These are always anonymous.