I thought about writing these down after one thing I’m pretty sure I do know for certain popped into my head; if someone drinks milky tea, they better be funny otherwise I see no foundation on which a friendship could be erected.
Another thing I’m sure of is that the word erected will always be funny.
Below I’ve compiled for you a list of the very few things in life I think I may have worked out. You can thank me later because I promise they are extremely intellectual and insightful.
- Roll necks look good on everyone.
Now I’m not just saying this because I wear them from October through May. Name me another garment that hides the tops of your arms, stomach, and your neck-chin (neck-chin; when your neck and chin awkwardly become one) and I will open up the floor for discussion.
2. Double cleansing is not negotiable
I know how much you all love it when I talk about my skin problems but it’s been at least twelve hours and it’s time for an update – my congestion is starting to disappear. Double cleansing seems to be one of the only things in my life that is currently giving anything back and I’m not too sad about it.
3. If you can’t think of what to write hold a cup of tea and pretend you’re in a movie
There is nothing that makes me feel more Carrie Bradshaw-esce than writing at my desk holding a warm mug close and staring with deep thought into space. I don’t know why but pretending I’m a top writer always brings the goods. I’m a big fan of ‘fake it till you make it’ and let’s be serious, the first years of our sex lives we were all faking it so assume this is no different. We will get there eventually.
4. I did not call Harriet a hefty heffalump
I should probably go back and explain in detail however the memory is too infuriating to relay. My first taste of bitchiness was at my primary school and Harriet told everyone I called her a hefty heffalump. I did not, I would like to add. I wasn’t nearly that good at alliteration or creative enough to come up with such a fabulous insult. I’m glad to report I took the high road and proceeded to run laps of the playground jogging past her every so often saying “called you a hefty heffalump did I? I don’t think so.” Congratulations Kirstie.
5. Your handbag says a lot about
I won’t bore you with this again but please click here for previous notes on the matter of handbag readings.
6. If he left you, he doesn’t want to be with you
I take no great pleasure in telling you I’ve been left a few times in my life. Stood at twenty-five I understand the percentage doesn’t look great however it was obviously never my fault. Following being left, for a while I thought that no one wants to leave anyone so there must be another reason. A secret long-term health condition they didn’t want to burden me with or maybe they really were going to chase their dreams and become a spoon whittler. These were just stories told by myself, to myself, to soothe the pain that is left behind when someone no longer wants to brush their teeth next to you every evening. If someone has left you it’s because they don’t want to be with you and good riddance. At least it will make for a good laugh in the end and there’s quite enough in the world for you to be getting on with anyway.
7. There is no such thing as ‘the one’
Before you tell me I’m wrong I can actually prove this. I’ve found the one at least five times. Again, stood at twenty-five I’m not sure that stands me in good stead either but with over 7.5 billion people in the world do we really think we just get one? I am not a fan of those odds, nor do I believe them.
8. Stop worrying, no one cares
Up until I started writing I spoke to myself a lot. It was infuriating that my brain was never empty. Inappropriate or untimely thoughts would fly around in my head with nowhere to go. I knew I wanted to write but I didn’t start because being ridiculed was low on my wish list. Obviously, my entire secondary school would find out, maybe even Harriet and they would proceed to point and laugh like this, ha ha ha. Somehow the memo would reach Downing Street that this idiotic human was trying to make it as a creative and then Piers Morgan might catch wind and call me pathetic on Good Morning Britain. Finally, the Queen would ask me to leave the country and not return. Sounds like unreasonable thinking I know but how many times have you not done something because of what others might think of you. I realised about two years ago that no one cares what I’m doing because they are too wrapped up in their own lives, just like me.
9. Wine will not solve your problems
But just know, it will help you to iron out a few creases along the way.
Lots of love,